And when something annoys me, I go fix it.

So, the food-plan! I've probably said it before and tried it before, but I'll just do it all again, because one of these days it'll stick.

In Perfect Diet Tracker¹ I can track my caloric intake, as well as protein, carbs, sugars, sodium, fat and fibers. I mostly care about the caloric intake, the protein and the fibers, and I make sure to keep an eye on the rest as well.
Because of the surgery I don't absorb protein (and some vitamins and minerals) as well as before. Some people do, however, I don't.
This means that I have to take in more protein than other people with my age, weight, lifestyle and gender. I aim for 60 grams per day, I have a fairly slow life.
I also like to eat enough fiber, because I noticed my tummy gets very happy with that, so I aim for 35 grams of fiber.
My total caloric intake currently doesn't do it. I want to get around 1600 kcal per day, which still doesn't qualify as 'good' in my book, but I have to start somewhere, and seeing how now on most days I float around 1000-1200 with an occasional 1600+ day in between, I'd say I better not overdo it. I might explode.

I eat about 6 times per day, sometimes a little more.
I've done some calculations and decided that I need to go for meals that contain roughly 150 - 250 kcal per meal. I'll come in too short, but I do also drink and can add (mostly) kcal with that, yay!
Chopping the Big Plan into smaller pieces makes it all less daunting. Also, I do really have to eat about 6 times per day, so it makes a lot of sense to approach each meal somewhat separately.

I say somewhat, because with tracking my meals the way I do now (logging everything right after I eat / drink it) I can adjust the following meals. If I notice after three meals that I come in short on the protein side, I can toss in an egg or some extra cheese. If I notice I need more fiber, I'll toss in some more vegetables. This does mean a near constant adjusting but it also allows for some more flexibility per meal.

Right now I mostly track my meals to see what things I eat, what I like, what goes easy and what stays in and / or causes no issues.
I had to eliminate all bread, pizza, cookies, pasta etc (wheat) and that does provide me with yet another challenge. However, since I did, I feel much better and have had a lot less tummy issues than before.

From tracking I've discovered that the following already obeys my 'rules':

• one portion of mashed potatoes (instant), with a little grated cheese and a hard boiled egg
  this qualifies as a pretty serious meal to me, and clocks in around 260 kcal, score!
• two rice-crackers with black-olive tapenade (or peanut-butter)
  pretty salty (not the pb), so can't have it too much (makes me thirsty), but tasty, and around 150 / 160 kcal. as an extra bonus, easy to make, woohoo!
• one portion of Quaker's oatmeal, prepared with water, no extra additions
  around 150 kcal, so if I add some dried fruit, it'll go even higher, yay!
• one portion of yoghurt and one high fiber OJ drink
  around 160 kcal, added bonus of extra protein and extra fiber, good breakfast :D
• one glass of Soya macchiato (drink)
  around 150 kcal, has protein and I can spread drinking it easily
• one hand of mixed nuts and dried fruits (about 1oz)
  around 120 kcal, so not entirely sufficient but it does really well on the fiber and protein part

I've only got a handful so far, so I want to spend more time trying out things and looking for easy snacks on the internet. When I find something that works, I'll experiment with it some more so I'll have variation and add a bit more oomph to it. For now I make the instant mashed potatoes with water, adding some cream to it will boost the kcal and the protein (and hopefully not the bad fats too much because I don't want to clog up my arteries...)

It feels like juggling most of the time, keeping everything tracked and in the right amounts and seeing what works and finding out it doesn't. Food high in calories usually also as either a lot of fat or a lot of sugar, and both make me ill in large enough amounts (not so very large, really).
I don't think this will ever really become routine, though I do hope that eventually I don't have to track as much and check as much and try as much. I'd like to do more on a day than 'dealing with food'. For now, I'll stick with it though.

If all else fails I do have few recipes for that Christmas dinner...

¹ Last year I got a license for Perfect Diet Tracker which, apart from running on multiple OSs (woohoo!), helps track food-intake. I briefly flirted with HealthNut and though I still like that program too, it didn't offer me enough data / settings / feedback. At least, not now, I need all the info I can get basically.

It started with tendinitis in my neck, on the right side. Then it went to the left side. Then I had it in both sides. Then my shoulders, my elbows, my thumbs. My knees and feet and recently, my right hip. Mostly not all at the same time, it switches. Just as I think it has gone, it starts somewhere else. I've had tendinitis before, and know that the best way to get rid of it means a lot of rest and also a good dose of anti-inflammatories. I've taken a lot of rest. But not so many anti-inflammatories. See, they have this nasty habit of irritating your stomach and intestines, and as I don't have the stomach anymore, my intestines get the full blow. This makes it harder to eat. So for the past 2.5 weeks I've juggled with the tendinitis and the rest and the pills and the eating. It slowly seems to improve, very slowly.

One of the contributing factors of my recurring tendinitis, my RA, will hopefully improve somewhat soon. I have started methotrexate injections (no more pills because they, you guessed it, cause gastro-intestinal problems) which should prove more effective and help with my pains. Other factors however, don't have such an easy solution.

Stress plays a major role and unfortunately, I've had a lot of it. I've had appointments with my podiatrist for insoles, my RA-nurse for learning how to inject methotrexate and had to go to the pharmacy to get all the stuff. Also had to go buy groceries (a girl's gotta eat), make at least part of my flat 'injection-ready' (the methotrexate requires a bit more care than the B12 injections) and eat. And eating hasn't really gone well lately, so I had to spend extra time and extra care with the eating. Buying groceries doesn't help with the tendinitis if I do it in bulk, so I had to do it in bits, which adds more to the stress.

Currently, I have a full-time job taking care of myself and doing all the necessary health related things, and not much, if any, energy left for other things, like say, socializing or 'fun stuff'. I have tried hard to keep up with what others expected from me, and have found that despite their attempts to understand and to deal with what I go through, they really can't if I keep on trying to keep up with them. I spend a lot of energy doing (or trying to do) what I think I should do, what I think others expect from me (or what they have expressed) and what I think I can do. But what I think I can do doesn't equal what I can (and stay sane and relatively healthy). What I think I can do already lies above what I really can do.
I spend lots of time reacting to things that happen, trying to make the best of them, trying to keep up, trying to appear normal.

No more, I say! I will not spend my precious little amount of energy feeling lived and not actually living.
No more reacting, time to act on my own.
No more trying to keep up, if I can't, I can't, suck it up! Don't try and 'encourage' me, please.
No more pushing myself to eat things I know that don't work (hello, bread), because they make me feel like crap later on.
No more not having control over my life, my self, my sanity. I will not do it anymore.

I've grabbed my copy of Getting Things Done by David Allen and I will re-read it to see if I can tweak my system to help me out more with my health-related stuff and possibly the eating.
Eating takes up about 90% of my energy (no, not kidding, totally serious unfortunately) and I need to get a better grip on it.
I need to think the other things through, before I go out and do them. Yes, this means more planning and less spontaneity, a small price to pay for actually getting more healthy and getting a bit more sane. It may seem (too?) neurotic to most, for me it comes down to a way to survive and actually start living my life again. I'd very much enjoy that.

I wish I could also say 'No more pain!', however, I don't have that much control over my RA. I will do what I can to ease that pain, and wait patiently for that cure, but not holding my breath in the meantime ;)

To 'celebrate' we went out and got some stuff for my balcony: pots / containers / soil), and seeds and plants.

I got four long wooden containers (they look great!) and the following plants:

• 4 tiny celery plants
• 4 tiny parsleys
• 4 tiny corn salads
• 1 big cucumber plant (with baby cucumbers)
• 1 small sweet pepper plant
• 1 bonsai basil (very nice!)
• 1 small lovage
  and seeds for:
• spring onions
• rosemary
• garlic chives
• corn salad
• courgette (or zucchini or summersquash depending on where you live)

Through a friend I got three tomato-plants, seeds for beetroot, basil, parsley, peas and several types of beans.
I'm still looking for pinto-bean seeds, but they seem somewhat unavailable in the NL. I also still have rocket-seed, Tropaeolum and tons of seeds for sprouts (alfalfa, garden cress, etc).

I think I have enough.... (though boyfriend promised me oregano and thyme plants / seeds)

I want a bunch of smaller pots to put herbs in. It'll look nice and helps to sow in phases.

I'm looking forward to seeding and growing, especially the sprouts. I seem to be able to eat bread again, so that would mean nice summer sandwiches with veggies and cheese and herbs and such :D

I have a balcony on the south, and even though most Dutch people think we do not get any sun, I can assure you we do. It gets pretty hot on my balcony, which I hope will help with the somewhat exotic plants (cucumber, peppers, tomatoes, courgette).

Now I only need a garden-hose, cause I'm not dragging water over every day :P

We haven't set it up yet, but will take pictures when we do.

While sitting in the grass I thought about Michael's post about routines. Like Michael I have worked on a drawing routine and routines in general. My life in general got pretty thrown upside down with the surgery and I still feel I haven't quite got my life back in order. Ever since surgery everything revolves around food and eating, or as my boyfriend recently said 'You're either preparing food, or trying to get and keep it in.'. I had little choice but to just do exactly that, as part of recovery. I make food, I eat, I drink, and I try to do things around that. Any type of routine I have, revolves around food.

Recently I've had this itch. I want to do more and especially do more drawing. Despite having a bit of trouble getting it into my daily routine, I want to, I have to do more drawing, more creative stuff. I want to get back to that situation where my schedule and routines don't revolve around food and eating, but the eating becomes a part of the routine itself, without being the routine itself. I do try to make food-preparation as creative as possible, by trying new recipes and making a nice lunch for the days I go to work. But it's still about food and eating.
I need working routines, I'd love some inspiring rituals and I want some meaningful purpose in my life.

I need more than just food.

I'll still make eight, just eight small ones :D

They'll fit in my bento too!

1. Danoontje Snack (curd cheese?)
2. Breakfast cereal (cornflakes)
3. Burrito for lunch (pre-made)
4. Little tomatoes filled with mozzarella balls, sprinkled with herbs and pepper and salt.
5. Slice of ontbijtkoek
6. Poffertjes!
7. A mini babybel or two.
8. Boiled egg.

For Tuesday I'll eat oatmeal, with fruit and cinnamon sugar, instead of cornflakes (oh, how I love the timer on my ricecooker). Not sure about lunch or dinner yet, will think about it some more tomorrow.

The women also looked pretty good post-surgery. Just one tiny tube. Maybe I just got the wrong straw with those two tubes in my nose, one in my back, my arm and a catheter (woopie!). They could have shown more of course, but the show isn't about CDH1 and HDGC, so I guess this type of exposure is OK.

Most people don't even know you can (fairly easily) live without a stomach, maybe this will help. Just too bad they didn't explain dumping syndrome a bit more, as this usually becomes the most debilitating part of a TG. If you look it up it'll say 'nausea, vomiting, cramps, abdominal pain, diarrhea' for early dumping and 'sweating, fast heart-rate, weakness, feeling tired, or mental confusion' for late dumping. It sounds so very simply, but trust me, it's not your regular discomfort. Though these days I know how to handle it better, the late dumping wears me out. The past few days have not treated me well on that area, though the symptoms stay mild (I can still function, but I have pain, nausea, fast heart-rate, foggy head etc, which complicate things).
Because most people don't know anything about this, they'll do the wrong things like offer food or water (when I have dumping the smell, sight and even thought of food makes it much worse, plus I can't drink water and drinking will make it worse, as dumping comes from food passing through to fast). They'll think that because you can eat a larger portion one time, you're okay, or you can eat that much all the time. (No, I can't, larger portions that seem normal mean I have a rare good moment.)
They don't understand I cannot skip meals, I really have to eat 6-8 times per day (I go for 8, the manual says 6). Or that if things go wrong, they really go wrong and it takes the rest of the day to recover. If you know me personally, and you think it's all going well, remember that you only see me on my good days and even if I look bad or ill at the time, it is still a good day cause on the bad days I don't go out. And I still have more bad days (or mediocre days) than good days.

Having said that, things don't go too bad (I'm at home, not in the hospital on a feeding tube), I'm just still very much in my recovery phase. I struggle daily to get enough food inside to maintain my weight, never mention gaining some of those 60 pounds back (no, weight-loss is most definitely not a good thing). Most of the time I hate food and eating, due to the problems it brings. The meal/menu-planning may help, but not liking food does not make it easier to pick foods to eat for the rest of the week. I live alone, so I have to do all the cooking myself, and cooking itself sometimes brings on nausea. Getting ready to go somewhere (without known food) takes about 2 hours, cause it includes things like walking the dog, cooking food, preparing lunchbox with multiple options, fill thermos with tea & milk, pack meds and food and such into backpack. It takes longer because I can't rush. Can't eat when I rush. Can't easily grab a snack on the go, or rely on any random restaurant for food. I have to bring my own and that takes preparation and preparation takes energy, of which I don't have much to begin with. It's all about the spoons...

I don't mean I have to make a list of lunches and dinner and days and stick to it with my last dying breath. Anything can happen. Mostly I want to have a list I can refer to, that I can fall back on.

I've tried googling this, but what I find usually refers to big families and I don't have the mealplanning-foo to translate that to me as a single very small portion eating person.

Anyone ideas? Links?

I received my new Laptop Lunchbox which will let me more easily transport my tasty burritos. It turned out smaller than I thought, not a bad thing at all. It looks slightly bigger than a regular lunchbox and has convenient separate containers. From the website I learned most people found too many lids annoying, so they only put one lid on one of the larger containers. I would have liked more lids (but I knew this when I bought it), but I guess worst case, I can order an extra set of inside containers. So far, I like the size, I like that it comes with a spoon and fork and it closes easily.

Hopefully in a couple of days I'll receive my other bento-box, for more food fun.

I went out to the market today and bought veggies, and then purchased panko, chick-pea flower, rice sheets, mirin and sake at the chinese store so I'll have a good base of basic ingredients. I want to make spicy lentil snacks, japanese dry curry and vegetarian cake provençale. Tasty!

Today I made a most excellent discovery. Gordita's (small, thicker tortilla wraps) work really well as a pizza-bottom. I tossed on some tomato sauce, chopped up veggies and mushrooms, added shredded cheese and popped the whole thing in the oven for 15 minutes.

Best pizza I ever had.

So I made another one just now. Two pizza's in one day. I like to spoil myself.