On August 15 of this year, I had my birthday. I spent it mostly ill
(in bed), as I did most of the other days at
. Not what I had in mind.
I’ve spent most of the days since also mostly ill, either in bed or on
It started with tendinitis in my neck, on the right side. Then it went
to the left side. Then I had it in both sides. Then my shoulders, my
elbows, my thumbs. My knees and feet and recently, my right hip. Mostly
not all at the same time, it switches. Just as I think it has gone, it
starts somewhere else. I’ve had tendinitis before, and know that the
best way to get rid of it means a lot of rest and also a good dose of
anti-inflammatories. I’ve taken a lot of rest. But not so many
anti-inflammatories. See, they have this nasty habit of irritating your
stomach and intestines, and as I don’t have the stomach anymore, my
intestines get the full blow. This makes it harder to eat. So for the
past 2.5 weeks I’ve juggled with the tendinitis and the rest and the
pills and the eating. It slowly seems to improve, very slowly.
One of the contributing factors of my recurring tendinitis, my RA, will
hopefully improve somewhat soon. I have started methotrexate injections
(no more pills because they, you guessed it, cause gastro-intestinal
problems) which should prove more effective and help with my pains.
Other factors however, don’t have such an easy solution.
Stress plays a major role and unfortunately, I’ve had a lot of it. I’ve
had appointments with my podiatrist for insoles, my RA-nurse for
learning how to inject methotrexate and had to go to the pharmacy to get
all the stuff. Also had to go buy groceries (a girl’s gotta eat), make
at least part of my flat ‘injection-ready’ (the methotrexate requires a
bit more care than the B12 injections) and eat. And eating hasn’t really
gone well lately, so I had to spend extra time and extra care with the
eating. Buying groceries doesn’t help with the tendinitis if I do it in
bulk, so I had to do it in bits, which adds more to the stress.
Currently, I have a full-time job taking care of myself and doing all
the necessary health related things, and not much, if any, energy left
for other things, like say, socializing or ‘fun stuff’. I have tried
hard to keep up with what others expected from me, and have found that
despite their attempts to understand and to deal with what I go
through, they really can’t if I keep on trying to keep up with them. I
spend a lot of energy doing (or trying to do) what I think I should
do, what I think others expect from me (or what they have expressed)
and what I think I can do. But what I think I can do doesn’t equal
what I can (and stay sane and relatively healthy). What I think I
can do already lies above what I really can do.
I spend lots of time reacting to things that happen, trying to make
the best of them, trying to keep up, trying to appear normal.
No more, I say! I will not spend my precious little amount of
energy feeling lived and not actually living.
No more reacting, time to act on my own.
No more trying to keep up, if I can’t, I can’t, suck it up! Don’t try
and ‘encourage’ me, please.
No more pushing myself to eat things I know that don’t work (hello,
bread), because they make me feel like crap later on.
No more not having control over my life, my self, my sanity. I will
not do it anymore.
I’ve grabbed my copy of Getting Things Done by David
and I will re-read it to see if I
can tweak my system to help me out more with my health-related stuff
and possibly the eating.
Eating takes up about 90% of my energy (no, not kidding, totally
serious unfortunately) and I need to get a better grip on it. I need
to think the other things through, before I go out and do them. Yes,
this means more planning and less spontaneity, a small price to pay
for actually getting more healthy and getting a bit more sane. It May
seem (too?) neurotic to most, for me it comes down to a way to survive
and actually start living my life again. I’d very much enjoy that.
I wish I could also say ‘No more pain!’, however, I don’t have that much
control over my RA. I will do what I can to ease that pain, and wait
patiently for that cure, but not holding my breath in the meantime ;)